Thursday

I think that the time has come to give the blog a rest and start a pen on paper journal again.

I have really enjoyed writing about the insignificant tales of my daily existence and posting all of it here. There is something oddly therapeutic about putting my thoughts out there to be read by anyone who cares to look. Some people might say that my blog is an egotistical exercise- and to some degree I have to agree. Now I just want to have a record of my life that can be 100% honest.

I'll return to the blog at some stage, and when that time comes I won't be censoring myself or leaving out any details. Then shit will really get entertaining.

As I sign off I will leave you with the beginning of my new journal.


Hey Journal,

Long time no speak mother fucker!

Where do I begin? Thursday- that's a good place to start...

Something Stinks

Today I found myself in a place I like to call "The Last Minute Twilight Zone".

It's a strange but familiar place, I find myself here on the eve of every major deadline in my life. Today is the day before yet another giant assessment task is due. I awoke this morning with a headache that could have tranquilized an elephant and I realised I was headed for another journey into the twilight zone, filled with caffeine hallucinations and piles of notes that seem to be written in a language that only Mel Gibson could understand.

Every day that I stumble into school to hand in a piece of assessment that is the result of frantic last minute keyboard bashing I promise myself that next time I wont let this happen, next time I'll start working on the project earlier, next time I'll remember how horrible I felt, next time I won't waste time downloading the Paris Hilton sex tape instead of doing my work. But just like my New Years resolution to volunteer at a shelter for blind cats, it just never seems to happen.

Last time I found myself on a 20 hour assignment marathon in the last minute twilight zone I managed to craft quite a convincing string of bulls***. With the assistance of numerous 'Energy Drinks' and approximately 19 freddo frogs I put together a 33 page document that I'm proud to admit wasn't bad- in fact I got my highest mark all year for that last minute piece of work. This time I don't think there will be a happy ending.

Today I got so desperate to generate some content that I resorted to 'reworking' pieces of old assignments into this one. While digging through my old work I discovered a interesting trend. A lot of my assignments this year have been plans and proposals of some type, and a lot of times I've had to come up with fictitious staff names to put in these documents, if you look at the names as they appear in chronological order you get a concise list of all the people I've wanted to 'get to know better' over the last 8 months- interesting list.

I also discovered that jamming pieces of old work together and tacking on some new bulls*** is probably not the smartest idea, but I sit here now looking at a 24 pages of work neatly stacked on the desk in front of me. Although the quality is questionable to say the least. My mother just entered the room to say goodnight and as she left she turned back screwed up her face and blurted out-

'Something stinks in here!'

Good observation Mum, what you can smell is the steaming pile of s*** that I'm handing in tomorrow. It's either that or the pungent stench of a man who has just spent a day in the personal hygiene free world of the last minute twilight zone.

Help me Mel!

Sex On A Plate

Today I had the best pancakes of my life.

Buckwheat pancakes with sugar coated strawberries, fresh cream, and drizzled with honey- sex on a plate. What made them even better was the cute waiter that served them to me, actually the cute waiter/restaurant owner that served them to me.

I have recently become obsessed with a new restaurant in my area called 'Dimples'. It's a rare to find a well designed restaurant with reasonably priced interesting food and a cute waiter/owner.

My obsession began by chance, while falling asleep on the early morning tram ride to school. I was rudely elbowed by a witch like woman attempting to apply her eighth layer of makeup, as I repressed the urge to punch her in the face I looked past her out the window and noticed a funky new addition to the otherwise familiar streetscape.

'Dimples: A Suburban Eatery'

After one visit I was hooked, and let me state for the record that cute waiter/owner was not there on this first trip. However he was there for five subsequent visits and on all occasions he has been just responsive enough to my flirting to guarantee my repeat business.

This morning I was there for a Father’s Day brunch and he managed to subtly charm me, while being careful not to draw any unwanted, (Oh My God Michael is flirting with a male waiter) attention from my oblivious family, that’s impressive.

I’m not stupid, I’m sure that the charming smile he flashes is simply a well refined skill. I don’t actually believe that there is any chance of living happily ever after and adopting Cambodian children together. Nonetheless, I’ll no doubt be back there soon for another serve of Dimples’ fantastic gnocchi with meatballs and ricotta, served with a side of the cutest waiter /owner on earth.

Mmm.

Rinse and Repeat

It's been 3 long months of looking like a redneck hillbilly and sounding like a mentally challenged child with a lisp the gap between my teeth has finally closed.

Braces are incredible. Don't get me wrong I still hate everything that is going on in my mouth but at least now I can see some kind of positive progress.

The downside to all this progress is that now I have become obsessed with my teeth, more specifically brushing my teeth. At first I was paranoid about having food stuck in my metal so I would brush after every meal. It then developed to brushing after every meal and then again half an hour later. Now I'm at the point where I stop for a quick brush of the teeth every time I walk past the bathroom.

The actual brushing routine has also become way more involved. I start with a rinse , then I brush with fluoride toothpaste, then I rinse with Listerine, then I brush with whitening toothpaste, then I with water again.

I know I'm a little bit manic. There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain good dental hygiene.

I'm off to buy some more toothpaste but before I go let me share something with you.

I can post it now because the trauma associated with seeing this photo has disappeared along with the gap.

No trick photography- no photoshop- just gap.

Don't Be Jealous

Last Friday after a day which of feeling sorry for myself, avoiding homework, and eating every sugar based foodstuff in my house, I decided to start my weekend in spectacular fashion. I attended a trivia night- with my parents.

Don’t be jealous, I know that it must crush you to know that at the age of 22 I have such a thriving social life. I’m a lucky man.

The local community centre was decked out in the best decorations $2.50 can buy and the crowd of middle aged trivia enthusiasts was buzzing with anticipation- on second thought the buzzing could have been coming from the 1970’s PA system.

I was thrilled to learn that my team would not only include my parents but also an esteemed member of the local council who, I am honoured to say, sat next to me. Due to her constant twitching, inability to maintain eye contact, and the fact that she was having a conversation with herself for most of the night I drew the conclusion that she had probably lived under a staircase for the first 20 years of her life, but she sure came in handy for those questions about Stockholm syndrome.

A professional trivia company was hired to run the event; they specialized in adding a multimedia component to the night. During the ‘Guess That Song’ portion of the evening the host, dressed in his best parachute pants, pressed play on the portable boom box and held his microphone to the speaker- very high tech.

I never got bored because there was always someone new and interesting to chat to. It was refreshing to meet such an honest group of people, not afraid to ask me if I had any ‘special friends’, and more than happy point out how strange it is to see someone my age with braces.

Unfortunately my esteemed team didn’t with the trivia night, but that’s ok. It’s far more important to have a good time. My parents sure enjoyed themselves; I was designated driver for the evening so they were free to have few drinks. It was good to see them relax, it’s not every night you get to hear the story of your accidental conception- they are such a funny pair.

It’s hard to put into words just how much fun I had that night. The memories will stay with me... FOREVER!!!

I just broke the ‘!’ button on my keyboard.