Generally I would be relegated to sitting on the floor watching my brother and sister play; they would spend hours killing various pixilated monsters and telling me I could have a turn once their infinite lives ran out. Occasionally I managed to snatch the controls from my siblings after a series of violent attacks culminating in some vicious scratching and biting. So finally it’s my turn, I’d position myself dangerously close to the TV screen, wipe the blood from my hands (I’m not kidding about the violence), smile my crazy 7 year old smile, and start up a new game of Mario Brothers. Cue the delightfully irritating theme music.
Then... nothing.
It was no fun at all.
Instead of utilizing valuable waiting time learning how to play the game I’d been sitting there cursing at my brother and sister for not letting me play and telling myself that life wasn’t fair. This distraction left me so ill prepared that I couldn’t even defeat the lame pseudo-baddies that inhabited level 1. So very disappointing.
To make matters worse it seemed that whenever I began developing the slightest bit of gaming talent I’d hear,
“Enough of that for today, your eyes will go square!”
Mum’s voice booming from the laundry where she was scrubbing grass/blood stains out of our clothes.
Well years later, my eyes aren’t square, but I do have glasses, and I’ve been gazing blankly at my computer screen for the last 3 hours trying to find a job.
Despite that confusing and completely misguided metaphor the fact remains, I was no good at being a kid- I couldn't play Nintendo, and I’m no good at being an adult- I cant find a job.
The last six months I've spent working as a retail whore have dulled any potential I previously had to secure a job I wouldn't be ashamed of.
“Can I interest you in a pashmina scarf for the low low price of $10? The kids in the sweatshop have really outdone themselves this time.”
My soul has been dissected into little pieces and neatly packaged so that each time I smile and greet a customer who would rather be left alone, I can hand a piece over.
“How are you today? Can I help you with anything? I’m hear to make your retail experience as close to perfect as possible. Here- take a piece of my soul, this one is my dignity, I wont be needing it anymore.”
I’d like to think that after 3 years at university spent working harder than Christina Aguilera’s make up artist my job would involve something more than fighting with pre-menstrual middle aged women who want a further discount on a $10.00 pair of ill fitting pants.
“Give it up lady. Unless you plan to take a time machine back to 1999 and stop eating there is no way you are going to fit into those pants.”
On further contemplation my lack of success on the job front could be due to my less than desirable attitude. For example, my responses to application questions might not exactly be perfect…
Do you have a friendly and sociable nature?
No, but it would appear that I’m both friendly and sociable. You could say that I’ve spent the last 24 years mastering the art of doing all the superficial things that make someone appear friendly and sociable- which is basically the same as being friendly and sociable. So… yes… can I change my answer to yes?
I suppose if I really want to get a job I should increase the number of positions I’m actually applying for. What have I achieved today?
Jobs advertisements browsed – 231.5
Jobs applied for – 0
Misguided Nintendo themed metaphors created – 1
Enough of this for today, I really don’t want my eyes to go square.
My face already looks weird enough with my new giant sized chin.
...
To be con-chin-ued.
I know. It makes no sense. Just go with it.
I have nightmares that look just like this.
