The Girl From Tomorrow

The following email conversation takes place in two separate offices on separate sides of Melbourne’s CBD.

Names and places have not been changed because the editor is too lazy.

Despite taking place during ‘office hours’ the editor would like to point out that both parties involved are dedicated, hard working employees. Both were very productive on the day of the exchange included below.

The editor has chosen to upload this post comprised predominantly of emails because he feels it gives a little glimpse into an odd yet enduring friendship- and because it is easier than coming up with new material.

The editor has mixed feelings about writing in the third person.

Read on.

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Michael – 7:34am
I’m so emotional today. I started crying in front of my boss without realising I was doing it.
I think I have a man hormone cycle.
Help.

Mona – 9:25am
HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You're so funny!
By the by I was in the middle of writing you an email!!
Please Michael control yourself... why the hell did you start crying? Are you deranged?
You need booze. Fast.

Michael – 9:27am
Just out of curiosity… when did you get that email? I sent it before at 7:30.
Think we might be having tech problems.

Mona – 9:30am
I got it just after 9am.

Michael -9:33am
All that talk of my cycle must have raised the eyebrow of our mail marshal and delayed it getting to you.

Mona – 9:36am
I’m hungry. Is it too early for lunch?

Michael – 9:37am
I just ate three chocolate biscuits, and I’m on to my third coffee for the day.
Clearly I have no food boundaries anymore.

Mona – 9:40am
I’m seriously worried about you. Maybe you have Prader-Willie* syndrome.

*Prader-Willie Syndrome: Characteristics include hypotonia, insatiable appetite, obesity if food intake is uncontrolled, mild mental retardation and incomplete sexual development.

Michael – 9:42am
Prader-Willie, haven’t heard a reference to that in a while

Mona 9:50am
Thought you'd enjoy.
But I’m actually serious.

Michael – 9:54am
Did you know beside the obesity issue another symptom of Prader-Willie is incomplete sexual development?
I’m not sure I like this disease. Can’t I have something more trendy like bulimia?
bxcg gtgnjfb
That was actually me typing with my face. That’s right I just bashed my head on the keyboard in the middle of the office.
Not even 10am yet. Cowabunga.

Mona – 10:12am
Is it alarming that rather than be concerned for my dear friend who appears to be having some sort of breakdown, I sit at my computer laughing my head off at the email. Do you have to be so funny in your craziness?
I love you. Cowabunga.

Michael – 11:10am
In a desperate effort to make his work day go faster Michael decided to drink as many cups of coffee as humanly possible between the hours of 8 and 6. His next decision was to detail the effects of this excessive coffee consumption in an email to his dear friend Mona, all the while referring to himself only in the third person.
As this is being written Michael is not shaking uncontrollably or bouncing off the walls as one might have expected given the steady caffeine intake. Having consumed one take away latte, two instant coffees and two small cups of strongly brewed percolated joy, the only noticeable effect is a well worn path between Michael’s desk and the bathroom.
Will our hero make it through the day without irreparable damage to his bladder? Will he disprove common logic and fall asleep at his desk? Will anyone notice that the office coffee supply is rapidly depleting? Will Mona tell Michael to shut the f*ck up and stop sending her emails?
All these questions and more will probably never be answered because Michael needs to do some work, as soon as he makes another coffee.
Is it home time yet?
P.S- Your lack of concern for Michael’s mental health has been noted. In response you will not be invited to the ‘Girl from Tomorrow’ DVD marathon planned for late June.

Mona – 11:56am
Mona's response to Michael's rather deranged email is again quite simply to laugh out loud. Who would have thought?
Mona is this time actually concerned about Michael's caffeine intake. It reminds her of the time he burned himself with the cigarette and it got infected. *Michael may now be getting Mona's drift*
Mona is most definitely amused by Michael's reference to The Girl from Tomorrow and will do anything, absolutely anything (even fake concern) to get invited to said DVD marathon.
Mona loves Michael but he REALLY NEEDS TO STOP DRINKING COFFEE!!!!!!!!

Michael – 2:47pm
Apologies for my delayed response. I have been very busy injecting coffee directly into my eyeball as well as attending classes to give up my ‘third person’ addiction. So far so good.
Your last email made me laugh, I knew you hadn’t completely lost your ability to be funny. Here’s hoping you’ll be back to 100% soon because I need a good laugh and your husband’s jokes don’t make any sense. Bless him for trying though.
I think I’m done with the coffee thing. It’s becoming more tiring than my actual work. Which might I say is actually getting done today. It seems I’m having a highly functioning breakdown. Manic depression and rewriting client case studies seem to go hand in hand.
How are you travelling today? I’m guessing that you are about to indulge in a lunch of lettuce leaves and shredded carrot. Please consider something more substantial because I want to drink irresponsibly tonight.
Quick lawyer question - if I change the time on my computer so it says 6:00pm do I have legal recourse to leave work now?
Feel free to bill me for the time it takes you to answer this question. In turn I will be billing all the time I’ve spent emailing you to some large evil company who deserves some Michael flavoured karma.

Mona – 3:15pmI don’t think I want to answer that question.

Michael – 3:55pm
The person you have dialled cannot answer his phone because he is busy making a collage out of chocolate bar wrappers and saliva. Please check the number and try again.

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I love that I don’t have to hold back the crazy with you Mono.

Seven years, no itch.

Happy unhealthy relationship anniversary.

x

Pikel.