Knives Are Not Toys

TO: Michael Who c/o 1991
SUBJECT: Wise words of wisdom and wiseness.
FROM: You.
DATE: 27th March 2008

Dear Michael,

This letter should be reaching you at the beginning of the 90’s and I’m sure that by now you have begun wondering if there is more to life than your treasured set of Derwent coloured pencils so I, your future self, have decided to send you some advice. My first instruction is simple: guard that tin of Derwents with your life, Felicity P is a thieving kleptomaniac bitch and she will attempt to steal them every time you turn your back.

First and foremost, don’t sit there and pretend you can’t understand what you are reading, I am acutely aware that you are much smarter than you let on. Sure you can’t spell, but that really isn’t important, here in the future we have a thing called spelchek so you wil neva need 2 worry about dat. I understand why you put a great deal of effort into trying to hide your superior intellect. I know it’s because don’t want to seem like a geek, you want to be popular and have heaps of friends like your brother and sister. I hate to break it to you but it’s not going to happen at primary school or even high school. Trust your initial judgment, the vast majority of the people you meet at school are idiots, don’t bust your balls trying to impress them.

Be yourself.

By now grown ups have probably started asking questions like, “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”. Although your answer to questions like this will evolve over the years one thing will remain the same- you will still be inventing fake aspirations to appease people. You do deserve a big pat on the back for coming up with the whole “I’m going to be a palaeontologist because I love prehistoric dinosaurs,” lie. People love that answer because it is far fetched, yet brainy and cute. Even at 7 years old you have begun to develop the manipulative skills that will serve you well in later life, one small tip. Ask to go to the movies for your 8th birthday. Otherwise you are going to end up at an exhibition of life size animatronic dinosaurs that will give you nightmares well into your teenage years and blow that ‘palaeontologist’ lie out of the water.

Don’t be talked into doing anything you don’t want to. Trust your instincts.

Ok big ears lets talk health. First and foremost, stick with your plan to get those huge ears pinned back. Mum and dad totally believe the schoolyard bullying stories you are telling so a few more months of ‘schoolyard trauma’ and those extra large flappers will be stapled to your skull and never ruin a photo again. While we’re on the subject of vanity related health concerns can you please get your jaw checked out before the age of 15? Trust me, if you don’t get this fixed before you hit 20 you’ll need operations painful enough to make a deranged masochist blush.

In more serious news can you please eat something that’s primary ingredient isn't sugar. The list of medical conditions/incidents/traumas and experiments that can be avoided by simply taking better care of your body is staggering.

Take care of yourself, stop waiting for someone else to do it for you.

Now to the big issue, it’s about boys and girls. No actually it’s just about boys.

.

On second thought, you’ll figure it out for yourself.

I’ll just leave you with a few quick tips before I sign off. Blonde hair does not suit you, knives are not toys, never get into bed with a bass player, and finally- NEVER GET INTO BED WITH A BASS PLAYER!

Lots of love,

Me.

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If there is a heaven, it's filled with Derwent pencils.