Madonna Aint Got Nothing On Me

After years of putting up with a recurring jaw ailment which results in my jaw spontaneously locking, (Could be seen as a good thing in some peoples opinion,) I decided that it was time to break my 11 year drought and take a trip to the dentist… this was my first mistake.

It’s never a good sign when a dentist looks in your mouth and begins to chuckle, at this point I was scarred but it was when he started actually laughing I had the sudden urge to bite off his fingers and spitting them at the dental nurse. Long story short- he was laughing because my jaw was “completely and obviously out of alignment”, I personally don’t see the humor in this situation but I suppose he could he could have been laughing because he was about to screw me out of $20,000.

The treatment plan that I am currently undergoing to correct this “obvious” problem seems like a form of torture created by the Catholics back during the good old days when they were doing God’s work… with the help of a whip and a few burly guys with anger management issues.

Basically I have had my top jaw broken in three places, and now I have a metal device bolted into my mouth that I wound every day for a week to slowly ‘expand’ my upper jaw. ‘Expand’ is the dentist’s word, I like to describe the process as ‘Ripping apart things that were not designed to be ripped.’

The end result:- I have a 'temporary' gap between my two front teeth- not a good look. If one more person says to me, “It’s OK Madonna has a gap between her teeth,” I am seriously going to bite off their fingers and spit them at the nearest dental nurse. My gap is approximately 8 times bigger than Madge’s and I don’t have the consolation of international pop super stardom.

I never thought I would be looking forward to getting braces, now I say bring on the metal!

On the left, Madonna with her gap. On the right, Madonna with my gap.