Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Catch

The most annoying thing about being single is the comments people make when I show even the slightest displeasure with my current status. My perpetual status. Singledom.

I am fully aware that no one wants to hear me whinge about crawling into a cold bed every night crying myself to sleep with nothing to keep me warm. If at this point you are thinking to yourself, “Buy an electric blanket loser!’ then congratulations. Comments like this constitute a well measured and appropriate response to any remarks a single person might make that include the term or terms:-

- Cold beds
- Empty hearts
- Aching of any kind
- Long nights
- Long days
- Longing
- Being lonely even when surrounded by people
- Tears on/ tear soaked, pillows (or tears associated with any soft furnishings)

I have at one stage or another used all of these phrases, and no doubt on occasion I have used such unashamedly painful combinations of the above terms that could land a job writing for ‘The Bold & the Beautiful’.

**Brief pause while I update my resume**

So please, feel free to call me a fool when these words fall out of my mouth without being filtered through the proper self censoring parts of my brain. Hell- you can even slap me if you like, but please, I beg you, don’t join the pity party. Don't try to make me feel better with a sappy sympathetic remark. This will prompt one of two disastrous outcomes. I will spiral quickly into a melodramatic tirade about how horrible it is being all alone in the world, I will cry uncontrollably- probably in public, and the person stupid enough to attempt a sympathetic reply will be a party to my humiliating outburst and henceforth never be able to look me in the eyes again. The other, more likely option, is an irrational violent outburst from me in response to a well intentioned clichéd comment. For example…

“Don’t worry Michael, when you least expect it someone will come along and sweep you off your feet.”

Response. “Really? When I least expect it. Gee thanks. I’m always expecting it fucktard.” This would be followed by me literally sweeping that person off their feet, preferably with a deck chair.

Or...

“I don’t know why you are still single Michael, you are funny and nice. Such a CATCH.”

Response.

“I’m not 7 years old you condescending shit-for-brains. I understand that funny and nice is code for hella ugly.” This would be followed by me shouting ‘catch’ and throwing a lamp at their head. Preferably an art deco lamp, lots of glass.

So please, on behalf of myself, I beg you. don't do it. I am not your typical single person, I do not want your sympathy. I want a cold hard reality check. When I’m having a depressing moment do not put your arm around my shoulders, unless you want some time off work and can put up with the pain of a broken collarbone.

Ah, bitterness in the evening.

I feel better having that off my chest. But I'm still all alone in this horrible, horrible world.

Woe is me.


Oh sorry, did that heavy lamp shatter in your face? Let me get you a band aid.

1 comment:

Evol Kween said...

You're never alone as long as Mr Palmer is around...... ;p