On three separate occasions today I have been beaten down/insulted. If it happens one more time there may be an unfortunate incident involving me poisoning Melbourne's water supply.
#1 The optometrist:
If I were to show you a picture of me standing with my older brother and sister it would be blindingly obvious that I got the left over DNA from my family. I'm basically the defective child, case in point- my eye sight. To quote my optometrist, I have the eyesight of a 60 year old woman, which considering I'm a 22 year old man- is quite distressing. This fact is not new to me, so when I went to get my glasses updated today I was expecting the usual eyesight related insults. However I didn't expect to hear this,
"You should probably get some thick rimmed glasses to help cover those dark bags under your eyes."
#2 The Workmate:
Later in the day I thought I'd stop past my old workplace to see what was going on. I bumped into to Larraine, the slightly deranged woman who works on Fridays. As I approached the counter I was greeted with this,
"Hi Michael, wow you look thin. I mean you were always skinny but you look really sickly. How are you feeling?"
#3 The Hairdresser:
In other genetic defect related news I was also blessed with an unattractive receding hairline as well as having many grey hairs at the age of 22. It's something I am aware of, and I'm used to hairdressers commenting on it, I'm accustomed to their complete and utter lack of tact. Today the lovely young lady cutting my hair went one step further,
"Ooo, look at all your grey hairs, I've never seen this many on someone so young before! Candice- come over here and look at how many grey hairs this guy has!"
Why do people feel the need to put others down to make themselves feel better?
...
The optometrist can barely walk upright, she has these little stumpy legs that struggle to support her bodyweight so she waddles around like a drunken penguin bumping into everything in her path.
Nice work Larraine, lets state the obvious, I'm thin- and your a f***ing loser. At 50 years of age I hope my life involves more that serving popcorn to senior citizens. No one likes you.
As for the hairdresser how is she supposed to know right from wrong? She obviously spent all her time at school giving $2 blowjobs behind the canteen until dropping out at the age of 16 to pursue a lucrative hairdressing career in the western suburbs.
...
That didn't make me feel any better.
Thirsty?
UPDATE!
After this fantiastic trio of insults I honestly thought I had reached my quota for the day. How wrong I was.
Enter Nonna.
Within 30 seconds of my dear old Nonna arriving at my house she had managed to reiterate all three insults in her own special brand of aggressive broken English.
"Ah Michello, why you look so tired and sick, you no eat enough skinny! Ahh- what is this ugly hair?"
This warm greeting was accompanied by a sharp blow to the back of my head.
I love you too Nonna.
4 comments:
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!
This blog just keeps getting better and better...
Michael, you dont need me to tell you that you're fabulous! And we love you for it.
You highlighted everything that those twats have got going for them. And poor Lorraine - when will she learn?
I just hope that Lorraine doesn't google her own name this week :)
I'm starting to see a pattern of violence with all the 'Nonna' stories I'm hearing.
As I post this message you have 77 hits on website. Not bad... but not good. I'll have to tell some more people about it so you can crack the magic 100.
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